As promised, here's Part 2 in The Drama of Poop. Oh joy.
So in Part One, I quoted Ina May Gaskin. Towards the end of her quote about sphincter muscles she says, "...if someone is afraid or feels violated, the sphincter will slam shut." Of course, she's referring to the cervix and birth and I'm referring to the anus and poop. Same diff. A sphincter by any other name is still a sphincter.
Now that brings us to the next logical point. Why on Earth would a child feel afraid or violated during potty training? Well, for a lot of reasons, actually. None of which have to do with "readiness". I already mentioned the privacy issue. Putting a glaring spotlight on a private function can feel violating. Of course, I'm not talking about the kinds of horrible violation that you sometimes see on the news but nonetheless, on a primal level, it could feel violating. I'm talking more the embarassing kind of violating. The kind that makes us not want to blow a bunch of farts when we're in a public restroom and someone's in the next stall. I know you know what I'm talking about.
So then, let's look at afraid and why a child might be afraid of pooping on the potty.
Well, for starters, it's new. Toddlers are known routine lovers. Diapers have been their routine since, mmm…about 2 hours after birth. Think about that. Your child may well have been in a diaper before even nursing! Wow. It's pretty crazy when you look at that, huh? So yeah…something this big and new is going to throw them. You know how most kids go though seperation anxiety with you? Well, they've known and loved a diaper about as long as they've known and loved you. So it's fair to say, the fear can be equated with seperation anxiety.
I use many phrases to describe what the diaper might mean to a kid. A habit, a routine, an addiction, a security blanket. Behind the words is the same notion. POOPING IN A DIAPER IS ALL YOUR CHILD HAS KNOWN. Now, you and I logically know about waste management, the toxicity of fecal matter and the wonders of the sewer system.
But once again, let's look at this through toddler eyes. Since the dawn of your kid's time, he has pooped in a diaper. Maybe he knows you go elsewhere to do YOUR business, maybe he knows you don't wear a diaper, maybe he knows other grownups go elsewhere to do THEIR business. But probably not. Because toddlers don't really give a shit about anyone but themselves, as witnessed by the never ending, Please Share. Which is totally normal and I think, kind of cool. All by way of saying, don't expect your toddler to make the logical conclusion that one day, he too, will be pooping in that same designated place. In fact, expecting anything logical at all from your toddler would be your first mistake.
So your kid, for probably around 2 years, has been pooping the only way he knows how and then one day, we ask him to poop elsewhere. Do you see how this could be met with resistance? Imagine if you came to visit me at my house and I told you that we only poop in the corner of my living room. I tell you up, down and sideways that it's okay. We all do it. Really. I'll give you privacy. Please, please, poop in the corner of my living room. Don't worry! I'll clean it up! No matter what, it would still feel wrong. Am I right or am I right? Because we know logically, it's unsanitary and we have long been conditioned to poop in the proper place.
Ahhh…conditioned to poop in the proper place. How do you condition a small human, whose logical reasoning is not developed? Funny you should ask. I'll take CONSISTENCY AND REPETITION for $1000. That is the name of the pooping game, guys, consistency and repetition.
Why else might your child be afraid of pooping in the potty?
If you are eating while reading this, you might want to stop for a bit.
Look, all your child has known is not only a diaper but the warm, cozy feeling of her poop against her butt. That feeling is her normal. Her safe. Her routine. It seems pretty gross to us as grown ups but it feels really good to kids. Mostly, because that's all they know. I've actually worked with kids who can say outright, "I like the warm feeling of my pee and poop in my diaper." Good thing they're cute, huh?
And of course, let's not forget the fear of the toilet itself. Over the years, I've heard of every manner of monsters that live in the toilet. It's all fun and games to flush until it's time to actually put their own tushies there. Again, through the kids eyes: they don't understand where the toilet flushes to (dang logic). And then we ask them to expose a very personal, vulnerable part of their anatomy this gaping chasm of gawd knows what. So yeah, it can be scary. Some children will parlay that fear right over to the little potty. But most kids get a real kick out of seeing just what and how much they produced (which can be freakishly large) and dumping it in the toilet. This is why I always recommend a little potty chair. I think they are brilliant. The little pot keeps the poop at least semi-close. It's a literal way for them to see what came out of them. It can be scary to give up, what feels like a big of yourself and not have it close by.
I also think the little potty chair is tremendously useful in getting the right amount of squat in to properly evacuate. If you're child is having trouble pooping on the big toilet insert, you should try the little potty chair.
So all in all, when you are potty training, you're redirecting a life long habit. It may be a short life thus far but still, a life long habit. As with so many habits that are instilled for any length of time, it's best to stop the habit cold turkey. Have you tried to get a kid to stop sucking on a binky? What works is throwing the binky out and dealing with the fallout, if there is one. Do you think it would effective to let the child have the binky for an hour in the morning but no other time? Probably not. Toddlers don't think LOGICALLY. They don't know TIME. Same thing with diapers. Many parents take the fear or resistance as a sign the child is not ready. This is not true. In fact, the longer you keep your child in diapers, the longer this habit gets entrenched. The more attached the child is to this habit. The more normal the warm feeling of pee and poop against his skin becomes. It becomes harder and harder with passing time to get the kid to give this up. The resistance and fear actually INCREASE…which is what leads to epic power struggles.
The whole point of this Poop Series is to try to get you to understand and thus have some patience with the drama around pooping. It's not meant to have you over think and over analyze potty training (let me do that for you). It's not meant to tiptoe around your child or the process. The best way to potty train is in one fell swoop. Do it, done. I'm writing all of this because we're grown ups and we forget. I find a large amount of people who are very concerned with starting this too early and yet, once they begin, they want it done in 140 characters or less. Start it at the right time and chances are you won't deal with any of this in the first place. Seriously.
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